by John Ward
That seems to be the Brave New Normal on offer…..and the chances are, it’s going to be our fault. To save the sanity of those born in the Age of Enlightenment, The Slog plumps for hilarity and going down laughing
Unfortunately, this extract from Saturday’s Daily Twinsegraph is genuine:
You read it here first: ‘…if you hide from a virus, it will just come back with greater force later’. I can imagine how the Pharmafia will spin this one to their advantage, although I don’t really want to think about it. Nor am I at all chuffed by vindication of the natural Slogarithm coming to pass. Because I’m afraid that the damage has already been done.
You see, experts have warned. And in 2021, that’s the sole requirement for a global outbreak of brainless hypochondria and alarmist modelling. Britain used to be famous for muddling through, but now we are infamous thanks to our endless ability to take the advice of Lefties meddling with Playdough modelling. How good it would be if they had so much as a middling track record while paddling in the muddle: but in reality it’s been a piddling contest for decades to see who can become most muddled about where the noughts go in the model. Many a mickle machs a muckle they say, but nothing produces a pickle quite like a macho member of Momentum mucking up a model thanks to being muddled up about millions, billions and bilious minions.
So it becomes my tedious duty to offer a guide for Homo leftyleaverTrumphatebedwetter to a future of never-ending phony fear about everything.
This is a sock. A sock is a piece of clothing worn on the feet, often covering the ankle or some part of the calf. Some type of shoe or boot is typically worn over two socks, unless the owner is a unipede, in which case one sock should suffice. When you go walking in wellies, it is not uncommon for socks to develop a life of their own and wriggle in a manner causing them to slip down the calf via the ankle. Some of the best brains at Imperial Colgate London have been working for years on this phenomenon, and they had not the blithering blue fuck of an idea about how to solve it until the renowned software and health mogul Philip Entroviaform Thrope III gave them a zillion quid. Now they are convinced that it is a rare virus developed by Biologicheskoye Moskva that has jumped from wellies to socks and will assuredly very soon penetrate human skin with devastatingly deadly pandemic consequences.
From midnight three weeks ago, all socks must be socially distanced from footwear and used solely as masks to ward off something horrible we can’t talk about because it’s hush-hush.
Herr Doktor Anton Dec, US Secretary of Health for Building Bunk Better, has issued an edict culturally appropriating the world-famous Slogarithm IABATO, confirming that it’s new normal meaning will be It’s All Biowarfare And That’s Official.
Dr Dec (seen left viewing videos of burning kittens during a recent ODESSA seminar) observed, “In fact ve haff long suspected zat all viruses are of Sino-Russian-Zionist origin und zo ve must zem no mercy be showing. Only ze eradication of ziss Jewish bacillus will lead to my new Weltanschauung but in ze meantime be aware off all terrorist disinformation about ziss Dummkopf herd immunity Scheisse, Gott in Himmel, ve are not here to care about ze herd”.
Having recently isolated the Human Soul, Dr Dec is now offering his collection of souls for public auction. He told the Neu York Volkischer Beobachter, “Think of ziss as a wholesale soul sale created by my successful soulectomy procedure on ze likes of Anthony Fauci, Michel Barnier, Guy Verhofstadt, Professor Horby, Kriss Vitty, Joe Biden, Emmanuel Macron, Boris Johnson, Rupert Murdoch, Bill Gates, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi und Kim Kardashian. All of zese souls guaranteed only one owner and never used”.
From now on, all viruses were created in laboratories, a scientific Truth guaranteed by the WHO, IMF, Congress, NSA, GCHQ, CNN, the BBC and all other approved fact checkers, Chubby Checkers but not Chinese Checkers. Amen.
The famously truthful Washington Ghost has warned all those bracing themselves for obviously imminent plagues of pustules, boils and ugly receding chins to beware of fake illness presentation syndrome. Speaking to the Boombust business channel yesterday, Head of Fakery Faking and male-rape co-respondent at the Wash ‘n’ Go Mia Dolce Neravita asserted that, “We have for example been overhelmed with insurrectionist white Republicans claiming to have peritonitis, cancer, brain tumours and other zero fact-checked complaints and – using such Far Right racist lies – storming hospitals armed with razor-sharp fire extinguishers and demanding treatment ahead of former slaves with tertiary cases of acute long chronic sniffle disorder”.
Mia (left) added, “This is the same old white supremacism rearing its ugly head and so we have called in our comrades at Antifa to prosecute a zero tolerance policy of humanely killing these mobs and cremating them before they can infect anyone. Plague plagiarism has no place in our diverse-virus culture an’ lemme tell yer jess one mo’ ding, any mo’ o’ dis shit and dey gon’ be some hangin’s round here, yessireebub honkey mudfukka”.
Health Tsars advising the government of the United Kingdom are becoming increasingly nervous about the now slightly identified killer-mutant turtle strain of Sars-Covid, Brexid16, first traced to all shellfish in British waters last week. In an emergency measure to placate Lieboor the God of Virusecrecy, British premier Doris “Joblot” O’Vaccine shot Oliver Lewis, the last remaining Brexiteer in Ten Drowning Street last Thursday after the Minister displayed what BoJo described as “an unhelpful attitude” towards the idea of moving Northern Ireland to Cyprus.
Broadcasting to a grateful nation last night, Doris (below Left and rarely right) said:
“We have found that disloyalty to me is an early sign of Brexid16, so I felt it my duty to shoot Ollie – even though he was going to be a bridesmaid at my next wedding but three – because I do not shirk from difficult decisions or easy answers. We are now pretty well certain according to the eggheads at Porton Down that Brexid16 can be fatal to 99.85% of all age groups who don’t distance from social media, Nigel Farage, Off Guardian, Spiked and the Daily Express. You can contract Brexid16 even when you’re dead, and especially if you do not practice personal brain hygiene. All citizens must therefore wash their brains daily in doses of concentrated BBC and CNN, patted dry with copies of the Times or – if you can get it – a handkerchief recently stolen from Sir Mark Sedwill that has been blessed in Holy Water passed by Saint Manflu Halfcock, Commander of the First Regiment of The Spanish Inquisition into the Hellish influence of influenza.
“I cannot stress too much the importance of ancient relics like President Biden in this, our divine Crusade against a dark future as we head – under the sure guidance of that beacon of Light Klaus Schwabritter – towards 1381 in fifth reverse gear.
“Indeed, I say unto all of you, follow not the dark science of the Godless empiricist enemy, but remain instead loyal to the inestimable warmth of the Church of Topdown that keeps you fully protected in a cocoon of blissful denial and testical-crunching tithes”.
And of course – all you correct, virtue-signalling, do-gooder, naive menshevik narcissists out there, always be sure that you don’t make a mistake and say something verboten, because the sign of an unhygienic brain is, naturally, that offensive things come out of your mouth:
Personally, I take great offence to my civil police force coming off the fence and deciding to morph into the Gestapo. I used to regard them as a fence of defence against gang rape, fencing with machetes, Jihadism, muggers doing indefensibly offensive things to old ladies and ramrodders calmly kicking in my last line of defence, aka my front door, as a result of institutional racism. But now, if you don’t take the knee they’ll kneecap you.
So do keep that brain fully washed at all times in order to ensure that you don’t become infected, otherwise it’ll be eee-orrr, eee-orrr down to Room 101 and a shoal of leeches sucking you dry until your devils have been driven out.
John Ward is a deranged believer in unsettled science, pacifism, ignoring space cadets, rounded education, leaving his residence without permission and the rejection of fascist pyromania as the best way to build back better. He refuses to accept responsibility for architectural dereliction, and has doubts about giving the job of BBB to the peddlers of BS who ruined it all in the first place.
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